Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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