If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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