sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
