My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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