Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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