My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
