I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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