ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
