so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
