the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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