Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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