Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
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