turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
