So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
