Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
