we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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