can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
