Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
vagina is talking i cant
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
