he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
