My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize