I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
