I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
