6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
