you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize