I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
