FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
