I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
