I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
