You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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