How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
