Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
