the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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