i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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