Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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