ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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