EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
