how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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