You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
