I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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