dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
