Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
