So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
