you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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