i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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