I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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