How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize