I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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