You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Will exercising make me less horny?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
