my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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