I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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