it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
