In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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