I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
