at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
