don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
