I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
